


Thoughts on Immortality

by Anonymous



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Post-Ketsu, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 02:43:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11072421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "But that’s enough about that monster. It’d seem like I’m more preoccupied with it than anything else. Well, that is kind of true, actually."





	Thoughts on Immortality

“Get me that crossword puzzle off the top shelf, will you? It has sentimental value, that’s why it’s been placed out of my reach. I can’t really climb onto anything and get it myself so I need someone’s help but I have told my caretakers not to give it to me. Like, never give it to me no matter what I say. Thank you. 

I guess I will now fill it in myself. It has been waiting for my secretary all this time but I bet she’s not coming back, much less searching for me here. It seemed we had an arrangement that was beneficial for her. Not beneficial enough apparently, seeing as she’s no longer around even though I have not fired her or got some kind of a request from her. I guess what I got was a cold shoulder. That’s so very her.

This crossword puzzle is actually nearly filled in, other than the chemistry stuff. She always added that in. I’m not good at it. That’s thanks to the kind of education I received, I guess, all private schooling, no entrance exams, more like paying the way for your kid to a university degree. Why should your child languish in cram school after all when Russian classes and learning to throw knives is what they prefer, right, and you just love them so much. That’s it until they stab someone at school apparently using these knife skills and become a translator for the yakuza since now they know Russian. That’s when you cut ties and realize you were not a good parent at all and now your child is an adult who is not an upstanding citizen and doesn’t know a thing about chemistry on top of that. But I will just look up these things on the Internet and be done with this crossword puzzle. I presume you’re not up to helping me? Well, maybe later.

We’ve met before but I have not been like that back then. I could walk. I could do a lot of things that are impossible for me now or too painful to consider or something I just won’t do for my own reasons. I was different. Though I was already searching for this thing that I have only partially succeeded at acquiring, landing myself in my current condition while at it. Nonetheless, we’ve met before and you were different back then as well. An impressionable kid, really, was all you were, though you might have thought big about yourself or even considered other people not so smart. Older people may be dull but that is what life has taught them. It doesn’t pay to be particularly brave or just or passionate other than for the lucky few. The rest fades into the background just like they should. For my purposes, it’s great that children like you back then don’t get that. You might have thought differently but I chose you at that time not because you were special but because you were gullible and broken somewhat, not enough to learn much though. That hopefully changed, especially after dealing with me. As in you’re broken enough now to have realized a lot of things.

It’s admirable that you found me. That must have taken some effort. I’m not really in hiding because then obviously I wouldn’t be found by anyone but I don’t exactly advertise my location either and I cut ties with that place you come from before you were fully grown. Therefore, I’m impressed by your resolve and resourcefulness. I like it when other humans surprise me. That’s what makes me feel alive myself. 

I understand why you’re here. I’m still a big presence back there and a shadow looming over your life ever since I passed through it. Things I instigated for you are still ongoing even if I’m no longer there. I’m still intrigued about what’s happening to you, just as I am about everyone and everything else. My disposition matches my occupation, I guess. You might not have known that back when we first met but you must know now that I am an information broker. Do you know how that works? I collect intelligence and I sell it, mostly in ways that necessitate the collection and sale of even more intelligence down the line to even more parties. For that is how one runs a business. Some companies hook people on sweet soda or cigarettes, I hook them on information. And that actually makes them fellow sufferers of a condition I have that I can’t help. That is the interest in the matters of other humans. I kind of need a fix of that all the time. That’s why I used to interact with all kinds of people and pry into their matters. Now that’s mostly on the Internet. Take a lively chat room or a discussion board of some kind. I enter or I register and I have hundreds of humans at my disposal instantly. It takes a few days to figure everyone out, find out the real life identities of most, confront some, manipulate some others and stir some trouble. Then I leave. Though I may take a look once in awhile later on at how things evolve over time. It’s essentially the same thing I did to Ikebukuro. And as you can imagine people I affected go on remembering me. I become that person from the past some people know about and everyone talks about even while the story itself becomes twisted with time and with retellings until it becomes bigger than life. There’s a lot of tales about me floating around. If you were to believe all of those I couldn’t possibly be merely human to pull all of that off.

That’s the reason I always leave at some point. Nothing I could hope to actually do could surpass the tales that will succeed me. As for leaving Tokyo, I did that by staging my own death. I escaped alive but not everyone knows it or believes it. It is indeed a matter of conviction. You can believe I go on living somewhere if that makes it easier for you because that’s certainly possible, but you don’t have to. I looked dead to people who saw me in my final moments in that city but no dead body of mine has been found. But maybe I had people hired who disposed of it behind the scenes. That is essentially what happened anyway. It’s just that the body was alive. For I am but a shadow or a ghost of my former self. That’s because physical prowess made up a big part of who I was in the end, even though I never looked like much. But it let me stand up to dangerous people and look them in the eye without fear. That’s an ability I no longer possess. I’m not as stupid as to be ready to be completely broken by someone again. On the contrary, I’m terrified for life by the first time that happened. Therefore, I can't be the complete person I used to be.

What actually happened to me was a fight I didn’t hope to win. I gave it some effort, obviously, but I was fine with being defeated. I’m human and what I was fighting against wasn’t. I intended to prove that to everyone by being slaughtered in front of witnesses. I wanted to die a heroic death on the battlefield so a certain woman who was not human herself would take note. I also wanted to ascend to a different status in that place. Not that of an actual person but a legend. The last one was a goal I shared with one boy. He had that ability to look at things in similar ways to myself which I found fascinating more so than other human traits. We were similarly affected by our encounters with monsters. We wished to become their equals at least in the tales that circulated around so humanity had something to show for itself. I succeeded on that count. He didn’t. And that’s fine by me. The city can only take having so many legends. As for my other goals…

I didn’t die. That woman I was hoping to impress is actually responsible for that. Her choices were different than I might have hoped for. Well, it’ll be easier to explain if you know something about her and something about me. 

She is a mythical being but through certain circumstances, she became embroiled in human matters and even fell in love with a human. I thought that was unimportant, something she would forget if only she was reminded of her original purpose. I hoped if I impressed her as a warrior and died a heroic death trying to slaughter a monster, she would take me to Heaven. I was originally an atheist from a young age and I didn’t believe in anything being there after death. I suffered through great fear throughout my childhood because of that. I didn’t take immortality of any kind for granted like most people do but I still wanted it. I think it is only human. And not only immortality in the sense of my name or the stories of my deeds outliving me. I wanted to actually live forever. Therefore when I met the supernatural beings later on in my life I decided to give it a try and believe in a piece of mythology that was accessible to me to manipulate. But that woman did not do my bidding. She chose her ties with humanity over her true nature and she saved my life, believing herself responsible for my choice to lose it.

She was, in fact, only partially responsible, for I had one more goal. The first one. There was another monster around, that one supposedly having started out as a human, my goal being proving it was no longer one at all by being slaughtered by it in a terrible way. I have only partially succeeded on that count because I have not died and there was no mangled body of mine left behind to show everyone once and for all what that beast was capable of doing to actual humans. And there was one more interference. A human being came forward and offered to kill me for him and take the blame. That was unexpected. All these ties these two monsters had with humans, I found these unusual when I, a regular human being, didn’t have those. But then I reminded myself that has actually been a choice of mine.

And I’m not a lonely person, all things considered. I interact with a lot of people. Company of all kinds is easy to come by, though sometimes I do feel shunned by specific people. It’s not like I couldn’t get passionately involved with someone either. I’m not unattractive. Actually, I can make myself quite charming and I have been told that I have a handsome face. Or a pretty one, depending on whom you ask. But I have never found the right person. All people are enticing to me, it’s just that no single one is so more than others. Therefore, I love all humans instead of loving a single one. Everyone I encounter, I already love them and am invested in them and their matters. I love you, as well. Whatever you throw at me, I will continue to love you and lovingly accept it. That’s true. Try anything.

If I did love a single person that would have amounted to a terrible situation. I would have pried them apart, I have so much interest in the matters of others. I’m not sure that person could have lived like that. There would have been nothing about them I wouldn’t have known. Even if it took traveling all around the world to collect the information about them, I would have done it. 

I am really able to go far if there is something that interests me, that is, anything about anyone that I don’t yet know. For instance, there was that yakuza executive I was made to deal with back in Tokyo. The unusual thing about him is that he keeps his first name secret. It’s like torture for an informant like me to be made to interact with someone like that. Finding out his first name preoccupied me for years. Mind you, I was never obnoxious about it because he is also a vicious man. The lengths I went was popping a few ecstasy pills once before our meeting and attempting to give him a blowjob so I could pickpocket his wallet while at it. Too bad he told me he was satisfied with his wife’s and mistress’ efforts. I am still trying to find out his first name from here by the way. Well, that is something I probably shouldn’t have told you. 

The other thing that wouldn’t work so great for me having a lover is that I would accept whatever that person did to me. That’s something in my nature. I’m nondiscriminating like that. If they chose to hurt me, I would enjoy the pain. Though I would probably hold it against them down the line. If they tried to kill me, I would think up a thousand excuses and I would accept it as well. Even though it would hurt me. Really, I’m thankful no human stirred my interest like that. 

My plan is to just keep on loving all of humanity. That mass of people can surely take my love. Once one is broken, I can always go find a new one. Playing with humans like that is so entertaining I’ll happily continue until the day I die.

There’s also another thing I want to do one day. The monster I fought to the death, it did plenty to me even if it didn’t end up killing me. I will hold onto these injuries and fears and let them fester and mangle me even more until I can confront that monster and show it what a beast it is so it can no longer think about itself as human. That is all I can hope to do now after I failed at making everyone shun it. And believe me I will do that.

You wonder why that is so important to me? While I love all humans, I despise monsters. I was told it’s because I have no means to control them but what I choose to think is that their non-human nature is just off-putting to me. It’s like a sexual orientation. I had a friend of sorts once who fell in love with a monster happily but when I thought about it I realized I could never do that. A monster disguising itself as a human is essentially attempting to trick me into loving it even while I’m repulsed by its true nature. It’s pretty self-explanatory why that makes me angry.

The other thing is when I think about loving a monster, even just a little, what I arrive at is that a monster could probably take my love and stay undamaged through it all but what about me? What if it chose to use me or hurt me? I would allow it to happen but what would be the result? Actually, I know the answer to that question already. Just look at me now. 

To have felt love for the beast that did it to me would have broken me completely. The hate on the other hand makes me stronger. It makes me go on towards my goals however difficult it is for me to live like that.

But that’s enough about that monster. It’d seem like I’m more preoccupied with it than anything else. Well, that is kind of true, actually. Humans are easily replaceable after all but a beast like that is not that easy to come by. Though it is not the only one of its kind either. I’ve heard another one has shown up some time ago. Hopefully that one is not as insolent as to insist it’s human.

Lately I have been thinking immortality may be something I don’t need after all if I’m to retain my own humanity. After all that happened I wouldn’t want to become a monster myself. For all my faults, at least I’m human. Easily hurt, easily killed and all the more precious for it.

I’ve grown up enough to accept my own mortality I guess, even if what’s on the other side is just nothingness. Which makes me want to ask: are you at that point already, too?”


End file.
